clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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