no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Come see our sink grown plant.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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