I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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