He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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