Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
