Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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