I'm so fucking centered right now
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm always down for nudity.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
