Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
