it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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