Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
