Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
