Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I look better un-naked...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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