In the future we'll all be gay
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
