i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
