dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
