"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
