so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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