yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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