Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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