My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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