I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
