my mouth tastes like poor choices
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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