By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
