im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sext me about skeletons
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
