Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
