Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
