I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
