Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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