I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
