Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
