omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
