She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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