I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
