I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
