What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize