I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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