I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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