The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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