Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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