Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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