i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
