I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
