I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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