apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
