Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
