There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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