Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
