so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
