I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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