Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
